openhouse115

I feel it is my turn, alas.

So, what's new in the life of Courtney?  A lot, evidently.  Ky and I's 2-year anniversary.  We went to great falls, the mall, my house, etc.  very romantic. i love that boy.  but lately i've been wondering, "what if?", with nearly every other boy i talk to besides him.  i don't know if it's the new-ness i'm looking for, or the freedom, or...well, i'm not really sure.  but it always comes back to the fact that as soon as i see ky, all i can think about is him.  until next time.
im pretty sure after two years, this is normal.  pretty sure. and besides, i've been fighting since july to get birth control and now that i'm finally a week away from my next period, i.e, putting in my new-vag-ring, this is probably the worst time ever to be contemplating such things.
also, thinking about how long it took my to get to know someone that completely is quite honestly mind-boggling.  and to even think about starting that process over is dreadful, especially now that i know everything that entails.  it took me over two years to get this far, and i don't think i have the energy to start again. or for someone to like me like he does.  honestly, sometimes i can find myself very, very unlikeable.  usually after i've said some inappropriate comment, made some un-funny joke, or have been rambling on in a self-absorbed monologue for 20 minutes when i finally look over to see ky's face glazed over, half-asleep.

but enough about relationships.  i'm my own woman without a man, right?
hah.

school is going really well.  i got all straight A's on my interim, except for AP Gov, which i'm fairly sure everyone is, well, failing.  i know i've gotten it up since then, though.  it was definitely nice to see such a great interim, because usually when it comes to acedemics, i know i'm smart, but dont really see that come into fruition when it comes to grades, never mustering more than a 3.6.  but now its a nice confirmation.  i am smart.  i have 3 AP's, a job, and a kickass SAT score, damnit. i guess i just feel no one sees my as smart, because they're all too busy talking about themselves.

hmmm, and just to be that much more self-absorbed, i'm going to be 18 in 11 days! wow.  this thought is scaring the shit out of me.

 Wow, so much has changed since my lsat entry, yet so much has stayed completely and utterly the same.

CHANGES
i am a senior.  holy shit.  i look down (mostly up) into the timid freshmen faces in the hallways and think "wow.  i am not them anymore." in disbelief.

i have 3 ap classes instead of 2 but the workload is more or less the same. yay!

i got a job.  hello, corporate america.  my name is courtney.

i got the env3, which is, after much turmoil, decidedly an excellent decision to have made.

i am officially in love with the high note haley williams hits in "ALl I Wanted" in paramore's new album, "Brand New Eyes".  i highly reccomend that album, btw.  best song: Misguided Ghosts

However, el gay, much has stayed the same.  still have a fucked up houselife, still have a shitt wardrobe, wonderful boyfriend, loving sister, etc, etc, etc.

 summer is over.

i've managed to do everything i've ever wanted to.  it was the best summer ever.  and i can't accept that it's over.

school?  what is school? it's not what i want out of life.  why can't i drive around with ky all day every day, drinking bubble tea and watching redbox movies and feeling his skin on my skin and reading the Poisonwood Bible for it's beauty, not for it's secret meanings?

i know if i go into something with a bad attitude, i will get nothing but negativity out of it, but i can't seem to find the positives.  i'm a senior? how is that a positive?  i'm shorter than 70% of the freshman with 15 lbs on them.  im many ways, i can't tell how i'm any more mature than they are.  i've experienced more?  i can drive and operate heavy machienery?  

gah. 

this summer was really amazing.  i very much hope that this year is more positive than i think it will be.  but only time will tell!

 to me, now, officially, since receiving the AP scores. I got a 5 in APUSH and a 4 in English, both of which i'm pretty proud about.  i knew i wouldn't do as well in english just because my teacher, i feel, didn't review with us enough, alas.  i also didn't study at all so that would explain it too.

what have i been up to since that last post, people may ask?  well, the answer is, just living my life in general.  
*college visits
*being a nanny (oh yes, this title suits me much better than "babysitter".),
*going to the beach with my mom and ky while staying with my aunt...
yes! the beach was quite fun indeed.  too much activity for me to remember enough to post about, but it was great. so so so so so so fun!  i'm glad to have gotten away for 4 days.
*going paddle boating
*attempting to get my ass to the gym
*having my dad visit
*Warped Tour (amazing.)
*caitlin sleeping over
*this is not in chronological order at all*

and now, i'm back into the swing of things- i'm meeting up with my camp friend tonight in DC for diner, whom i havent seen in about 2 years, so i'm so excited.  especially because it's one of those friendships where you start off right where you left off, if that makes any sense.  no awkwardness.

and, yeah, what else is there to say?  i never update when im in the right frame of mind to do so, so sorry for the terrible disorganization of all of my posts.  
i really havent seen a lot of people that i want to this summer =/ isabel? tina? where art thou? we need to hang out.

 My life has a lot of problems.  I have a lot of worries and issues- some superficial, some not.  Some I create in my own head, while others fall onto my lap unsuspectingly.  I deserve some, I don't deserve others.  I freak myself out over all of them.
I could have some sort of anxiety problem, but then again, can't everyone?  If the whole of the world were too be tested for anxiety or depression, I bet 90% of people would test positive.  
When all of these problems culminate and I can't handle my reeling mind any longer I usually take it out on Ky.
Yesterday, he took me out to dinner in his beautiful new car.  We had beautiful conversation, sat near a beautiful lake.  We ate and had a great time and went back to his house and had a great time.  But after awhile I just got so upset over the facts I would miss him when I went back home.  I was upset that he didn't want to kiss.  I was upset that I was upset at him after having taken me out to such a great night. 
But then he calmed me down so well.  He was great at making me feel great again and the night went on to be great. It reaffirmed for me how much I love him.
I don't know why that meant so much to me, but it really did. And it's scary, because a part of me doesn't want to love him just to avoid the possible college break-up, but more possible college trying-to-stay-together. I honestly think I've found the person I want to marry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In similar news, I've made the best playlist ever for Ky and I. If I knew how, I'd post it on here via Sendspace or something.  Alas, I do not.

 Good
It's finally summer
I got all good grades for junior year
I have my license
I'm alive
My mom is chill about letting me hang out whenever, wherever
Ky and I are still going strong
My legs feel smooth after just shaving them
I landed 2 babysitting jobs this weekend

Bad
Old Navy led me on and left me thinking I don't need to apply for other jobs because surely, i would get that one.
Old Navy did not get me a job.
I am left jobless.
No one is hiring.
I babysit but not enough to make a livible income off of
Did I mention no one is hiring?
All i do is worry about getting a fucking job
This makes me on edge
I can't spend my summer the way I intended to spend my summer.

All in all, this is not the end of the world, but when I don't have anything else to think about, it is.  I feel stupid.  Ugh.

 My my, how easy it is to forget about this frivilous thing whilst life whirls on by, complete with emotional breakdowns, sexytime amazingness, AP exam madness, and...prom gladness!

lowlights since last posting:
*dad visiting
*realizing the past 17 years of my life have been one big ball of fucked up marital relations which will probably haunt me *until the day i die/decide to get intensive, freudian physcotherapy
*anxious angst over everything not worth being anxious over
*probably the worst pms ive ever had

highlights since last posting:
*buying makeup today for prom which is on saturday and practicing applying it- (make-up is actually fun, ladies!)
*buying my beautiful dress
*90% landing a job at old navy (they're "background checking" me first...but it's basically yes)
*having my aunt visit for mother's day weekend
*starting behind the wheel (again!) even though the instructor is a creeper, it's exciting to know i'll get my license soon
*finishing my AP exams

i don't know what else to say, except...i feel like things are looking up. summer is so close, i can feel it, all i have to get through is:
*make up an algebra test
*SOLs (which...hello, are a joke, except i am math retarded and actually sort of nervous for that test, which is sad)
*finals!

ah, Lgay.  thank god tomorrow's friday!

 OH, Lgay.

The more and more stressed i become about things that are not of importance,
the more and more insecure i become about how ky and i are doing,
and the more and more i need ky to reassure me of all things nessesary, i.e, he DOES actually want to talk to me and likes me and wants to be with me,
but the less and less prone i am to believeing him.

periods have me seriously fucked up.  i don't know if its because this is AP testing month, and i havent studpied at all for the exam i have on friday, or if ive just...always been like this, but i feel so bad for ky for putting up with me this weekend.  me and my emotional wreak of...emotions.  

GJDKS:FJKLDS:JFKLDS

im just so angsty.  especialy becayse old navy said they would call me back today for a job and they haven't!  WTF.


im so selfish...i just want ky to hug me 24/7 and constantly reassure me that he likes me by SHOWING me he likes me ,and showing an interest in me... i dont know, im SO Needy/emotional around him...quite frankly its embarrasing and i hate it. why can i never give back a fraction of what i expect to recieve?

anyway
a lot of shit has happened the past couple of weeks, but im not focused on that right now.
sorry, fellow readers!  i am a mess.

Well well well, where do i even begin?  i guess i'll start off with this statement:  i had the best spring break n the entire world and i will duel anyone who dares to differ.  it was fantastic and amazing and too good for words!  everything was GREAT...i went to Glasgow, Scotland to visit my sister who's spending a semester there =] i'll give a recap of the week- it's boring, and mostly for my purpose so i wont ever forget the great time =]

Thursday:  God out of le francais early to go home, pack, and headed off to the airport with my mom!  of course, our flight to philly was delayed so we finally got on the flight to philly and MISSED our connection to manchester airport (england) bc of it.  luckily, we were able to snag seats to Heathrow (london, england) airport and took a night's flight there from about 10:30 pm to 6 am?  which, with the time change, turned into 11 am.  Suddenly, it's friday morning!

Friday:  Switched flights from Heathrow to Glasgow, got in around...3 pm?  and met Colleen at the airport!  SOOO great to see her!  Unfortunately, they LOST OUR LUGGAGE!  so we filed a claim and went on to the B&B- BONUS THOUGH!  Bc we got Traveller's insurence we each got $500 to spend for delayed luggage reimbursement on clothes!  more on that later.  Checked in at our FABULOUS bed and breakfast (Mindy and her ADORABLE daughter were sooooo nice!), then walked to colleen's apartment, met 2 of her roomates, and off to a pub for dinner! note: lime sour cream is not a good type of sour cream. said our goodbyes and mom and i went back to B&B for the BEST SLEEP OF MY LIFE.  i guess staying up on a 7 hr flight across the atlantic will do that to you.

Saturday:  Can someone say Shopping Spree?  I CAN!  Because our luggage still hadn't arrived, we ate our breakfast, colleen came to eat with us, then off to the shops!  i bought a shitload of clothes at a store called Primark, which is basically like a marshalls price-wise, but a macy's quality-wise.  score!  We had coffee at a popular UK cafe called Costra.  After that, i believe we shopped more? Then went to eat at another pub (basically lived my life in those things) for dinner with colleen's roomate, who is a very nice/sweet girl but shes boring as helll lol.  ummm after that....i think colleen came back to our room and she slept over! we also went out to get desert which was a really funny experience.  

Sunday: Shit, remembering all of this is harder than i thoght!  Sunday was a very sunny day, we went to see the Tall Ship, which is...a very large ship.  lol, it was a lot of fun though, talk about photo op...then we went to the People's Palace, which is a museum about the Social history of SCotland or whatever, which was interesting- scotland was seriously messed up until like....recently.  apparently now it would be the 13th richest country in the world if it were seperate from the UK.  Alas, 'tis not.  Anyway, after the museum we saw the adjoining Greenhouse, then we waaaallllkkkeeeddd all the way to a tearoom!  had delicious desert/this great mocha thing. mmmmmm.  Then we met up with colleen's friend Laran and ate really good italian food.  after dinner, we saw a movie called The Boat That Rocked.  well...sort of.  the theatre we went to happens to be the tallest theatre in the world (no joke) and as SOON as the movie started, an alarm went off that said we had to evacuate the  building!   of course were on the 5th floor so we had to walk down all those freaking flights and turns out some guy put a cigarette bud down an elevator shaft.  idiot.  
anyway, then we went back to drop off laran and back to our B&B.  that was a big day!

Monday: This day, we took a train to Edinburgh, the capitol of Scotland.  it has a lottt of old buildings, including this castle that Mary Queen of Scots stayed at.  My mom and i toured the castle and colleen went to some whiskey thing?  idk, the castle was reallly crowded but i got some cool pictures up top that HUGE ASS HILL we had to climb to get to it.  then we met back up, ate lunch, walked around, and got back on the train!  the sights were beautiful, a LOT of sheep.  a lot.  
After Edinburgh, we ate at a bar called NiceNSleazy (but it's actually...not.)  the food kicked ASS, then my mom left and colleen and i went downstairs to listen to the Acoustic Night!  beautiful music =] that was the highlight of the trip, listening to all these amazing players and the setting was so intimate and badass.  that concluded our night.

Tuesday:  Nessie, here I come!  We took an all-day bus tour to the Highlands, which is basically the northern countryside of scotland, where we saw Loch Lohman, a bunch of others, and most importantly, Loch Ness!  it was a LONG ASS BUS TOUR, mostly because the busdriver never shut up for one minute abut the history of the counry, which was honestly interesting the first hour, but 8 hours in...you get the idea.  hello, iPod.  meet my ears.  That day was OSOO freezing cold and rainy, but it was a LOT of fun and BEAUTIFUL! to see all of the hills and hills.  honestly, i was amazed, because even all the day up near Loch Ness there were towns! and people! there were some CRAZY desolate areas and people still lived there...its just such a different world.  wow.  saw lots of horses, sheep, cows, rams...beautiful beautiful day, if not long!  ran out of memory on my camera that day =[ but it's all good!

Wednesday:  Errands errands errands! That day we went to the bank and about a million other places to get things "sorted out" with payments to colleen's college, etc.  it was nie to walk around but i was tres tired.  went to starbucks (l love how they give real mugs instead of paper there!), and this Japanese place for dinner which was delicious!  i dont know if anyone has ever heard of the term Reborning, but its when grown women pay massive amounts of money for real-looking dolls and then proceeds to cart them around and pretend they're real.  Theres a documentary about it called...My Fake Baby, or something to that effect. well, while we were in American Apparel...i saw a women with a doll in the stroller.  no joke.  and my family DID NOT BELIEVE ME!! but i know what i saw....anyway,we said our extremeley tearful goodbyes to colleen that day and walked back to the hotel.  it was very very hard to say goodbye to her but it was a great to have spent such quality time with her in such a special place.

Thursday: Flights, flights, flights!  Flew home all day.  relaly nothing exciting to say about that other than Bedtime Stories featuring Adam Sandler is a terrible movie.  Got home at 9 that night, phoned ky.  bed!

Friday: Chilled/recovered from jetlag all day, it was great!  

Saturday: Chilled/homework/went to Ky's work and chilled with him after he got off.  it was great to see him =]]

Sunday: Easter!  Ky came over at 1:30, my grandma came over..i love her so much =] she kissed and kissed ky...lol it was great!  The dinner was a bit odd considering the absence of my father, but it was also strangely nice.  nana cried, of course, but...i dont know.  its hard for her of course because he's her son. 

Anyway, that was my spring Break! sorry for writing so much, i will post again soon with news post-break.  

 I pick.

I pick the skin all around my fingernails.  I play guitar, wait for my left-hand fingers to callous, then pick off my callouses, bite them until they bleed and only fresh pink skin is left.  I chew all around the edges of my fingers, right next to the nail, right after I cut my fingernails.  Once my fingernails grow in, i use them to pick and bite at the skin of the underside of my thumb knuckles. i pick in class, especially.  physics.  french.  english.  history. all classes except orchestra.

When it's wintertime, I wait until my lips are completely dry, them rip them with my fingernails until large sections of thin skin come peeling off and if i'm lucky, it bleeds.  when i'm really on a roll, i take out tweezers and a mirror and get the tiny sections of skin inextricable by my hands and rip them off, again and again. i take a mirror and look into my mouth and see gashes and chunks of skin missing from the underside of my lip for weeks on end.

i pick even past the point of me bleeding.  the blood and the sting don't stop me like they used to. 

the issue's been increasing especially this year, although i've done it probbaly since puberty.  i think it's because of the stress.  it got so bad today after i cut my fingernails that i researched it online and found out a lot of other people do, too.  but its a "condition" with some ridiculous name.
i just think it's a habit of stress and i'm more stressed out then ever.

but it's gross.  my mouth's picked up germs from floors and tables and doorknobs because of this.  people look at my fingers and wince.  i'm afraid i dont have fingerprints anymore.

when ky told me he kissed me and tasted blood a month ago, that's the first time i noticed what a habit i have, ever.  it's always subconcious until now.  

sigh.

maybe if i actually do my homework, my stress will decrease and i'll stop.
maybe.

On Thursday, I went to Ky's house when no one else was home.
Today, Ky came over after school when no one was home.
I've got to stop doing this, for a multitude of reasons.  
1) Ky gets too nervous and says "I think we should stop doing this"
2) I'm dead afraid of getting caught
3) The guilt I feel is terrible every time I look at my mom
4) I can't even really enjoy it because I'm too busy worrying about getting caught
5) Did I mention I'm nervous of getting caught?

I just..i don't know WHY i do.  I just do.  Because i love feeling so close to Ky and knowing he's right next to me and no one will walk in at any second and no one will  interrupt
But I could lose everything.
I don't want to lose everything.
But I like sexytime.
But sexytime is frightening!
There's so much pressure to be a good girlfriend.
I feel like I don't live up to it.

Jesus.  ^^^^ THIS SHIT IS ON MY MIND 24/7 7 DAYS A WEEK, EVERY TIME I DO THIS.  It's not worth it.  It's not worth it!  
(sometimes it's worth it.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

     It's a Friday night and there's no one home, just him and I, with darkness covered by curtains and only a hamster shuffling around within its cage, he's Caramel and he is the softest pet I've ever pet, he's one year old and nocturnal...
     Ky asks if I'm thirsty but I say no, there's no time to sit and drink water, chatting about our days and inside jokes, because today is Our Day, (rather, night), of pure privicy and warmth, as I lie down on the couch he follows with the protruding stomach and white polo shirt that, to me is brand new- while wordlessly we join at the mouth, a conversation of sorts through twists of a tongue, then pull away-
     "I am not a man", he says, But i know better, he is, he is, he is as I crawl between legs and see only the elusive Masculinity of Ky, the tanned skin of Vietnam, I giggle and them we are joined again by mouth, by arms, by stomachs and legs and hips and this is not who I used to be, a girl whose conscience was too afraid to let go and let the heart take over, I am- no girl, I am Woman- I am bare and soft as silk as we join on the old blue couch with the worn old leopard-print pillow and smells of asian cooking-
     And there's Real Man, a father, watching only through his picture frame the son he lost so soon, this is not how life is supposed to turn out, I think, and look back to Ky to see his predesessor's face within a smile, warm and toothy, gleaming eyes which in the winter seem to have no pupil, I wonder- who observes through me?, but this is no time for philosophy, only our ballet of rythmimc motion which is damn not ready for performance- stumbles, fumbles, gasps.  

 Alas, dear journal, here I am again, complaining of my procrastination and boyfriend.
Nothing changes. I will never be the student I want to be and I will never have the boyfriend I want to have.

I got the hardest essay question and I have to clean my guinea pig's cage.
I've come to the realization that ever since my dad got the job in FL, i've been the happiest I've ever been.  every time he calls, though, he brings me right down to where I was before.

Caitlin and I received verbal recognition at the MUN conference this weekend! (We deserve it because we were amazing.)

I'm a mess. Sorry!

 My week was long and uneventful.  Then, Friday came.  The day of the Trivium, Coheed & Cambria, and Slipknot concert at 1st mariner arena.  it was the BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!

All day in school, the countdown was happening.  Jon and i basically were jumping up and down excited during english, saying COHEEED! COHEEEED! 8th period went by and FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY the bell rand at 2:05 to get out of school!  YES!  

i basically ran to meet ky as i yelled COHEED COHEED COHEED!  and then we ran to Pat (M)'s car, where Devin, Mike (M), Ky and I went on our way to drop off Mike, then to the shopping cantre near Pat's house.  Pat dropped off ky and I and as we bought sodas for everyone they got some drumset or something?  Anyway, there we ran into Danny P, then us 5 got picked up and went to Pat's house.  Then we all chilled and drove Danny back to the shopping centre, picked up brad, and went back to pats house.  Then Pat's dad came home and we all hopped into the biggest SUV i've been in in my entire life!  It was massive.  Ky and I sat in the way back, Devin and Brad sat in the middle, and Pat and his dad were up front.  It was 3:30 and we were on our way to Coheed.

The entire time until the last hour was a blast.  it was hilariously funny, everyone was laughing, Danny was talking about how he shaves his pubes completely for the ladies...i tried convincing him girls think thats gross...BUT ANYWAY it was a freaking blast!  The carride there ky and i were a little carsick because of the leather seats, but after the music was turned up and we were discussing...absolutely everything, all worries were forgotten as we *travelled into the great abyss on a mission*.  it was so tight.  then, about an hour before we got there, i had to pee.  REALLY pee.  REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pee.  so did pat.  and brad.  and ky.  but not devin, which was odd considering the mass amounts of Dr Pepper he consumed.  So, the boys were relatively calmed down and i just had to stay silent and not move in order to not piss all over myself and said humungo SUV.  

we FINALLY got there at 6:30, and the city really was quite pretty with the darkness and skyline and lights and whatnot.  the doors were already open and after a good 10000 minute pee and food, we met up with Eric, Jon, Hayden, Jesse, and some random other boys.  In we went!

Trivium was...like every other metal band.  eh.  The crowd was really tight though, so everyone was dancing and stuff and then this mosh pit formed, and ky went in and immediately got a cut right above his eye.  Ah, Ky.  Anyway, after their set we got ky ice and went back in TO SEE COHEED!  

Coheed was beautiful.  there energy was amazing.  It was crowded at this point, but for the whole time we managed to have a relitively clear view and were pretty close.  The set was:  Welcome Home, Al the Killer, No World for Tomorrow, Gravemakers and Gunslingers, a song I know but honestly cannot remember what it's called, and In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3.  It was a really short set, but an AMAZING one.  god, they were so CLOSE, and claudio was just a mass of hair that played guitar and sang perfectly on pitch...it was awesome.  in the last song, one part towards the end theres this chant of "ooooooOoo" and the whole audience was doing it, wow.  and then again in NWFT, "RAISE YOUR HANDS HIGH!", everyone raised their hands high!  I enjoyed this show more than their last because of how much more i'm into them...i knew all the songs, all the lyrics, and just...theyre my favorite band ever now, whats not great about that?  wow.  Then, at the VERY end, as everyone was crowdsurfing and shit, some lady spilled beer all over the place and the set was over.  we were all dissapointed. but it was worth it. 
after C&C, Pat, Ky and I moved to the back on these step things to watch Slipknot.  we werent about to go in THAT pit...but the rest of the boys did and it was pretty cool, i must say.  I'm not into them much, but they gave a really great preformance and the drummer was like...doing pullups of of his drumset as it was raised like 20 feet.  pretty tight.  

just as pat, ky and i looked over the steps to see some guy passed out in the consessions area outside of the arena, we see jon and another boy come running and we scream JON JON JON! to say hi, and he goes WE JUST SAW TRAVIS!  Pat, ky and i ran to the consessions to follow him to see Travis, the guitarist from C&C.  we went all the way to the outside smoking area and there.  he.  was.  Travis from Coheed, just chillin and speaking to a few people oustide!  i didnt believe it was hi, neither did ky, but we creeped for a few minutes and followed him inside, then ky introduced himself and everyone shook his hand.  I then shook his hand and was so incredibly awestruck.  Seriously...it was incredible.  He was such a nice guy, but obviously didnt look completely *normal*.  he looked...well, he looked like travis from coheed and cambria!  I shook his hand and all i thought to say was "You changed my life!"  He smiled and was like "Thanks, do you want a picture?"  
um, YES i wanted a picture!

devin, eric, pat, jon, myself, Travis, and Ky all took a picture together.  then he walked away but i wasnt done speaking with him!  i had so much to say!  so i just sort of blurted out THANK YOU....YOU DID A GOOD JOB....I LOVE YOU...THANK YOU! into the distance as we both walked away. all the boys laughed at me because he obviously didnt hear me and i was just so awkward. I dont know if Travis understood that he really has changed my life with the music he plays.  I just hope he knows how much he and his band mean to me.
After we went back to the arena, i couldnt stop smiling and hyperventalating.  yeah, it was a bit dramatic, but i was crying for a minute or two until ky finally calmed me down enough to go on with the night.  

after the concert was over, we all said our goodbyes to Eric's group and tumbled back into Pat's Dad's car and his dad commented on how terrible we all smelled.  it was true.  the smoke/pot/sweat combination was quite terrible once undressed that night and my nose had aleady adjusted back to cleanliness.  my bed smells like pot now since i just showered in the morning.  

The ride back was quick and turned quiet as everyone curled up into a ball and slept.  its pretty funnyy seeing boys sleep.  its so endearing having them reek testosterone one moment and scream and mosh and the next, crawl into the fetal position and pass out.  i, of course, had to support ky's massive head on my lap so remained sitting.  after McDonalds drive-thru, i got dropped off first and passed out.

it was a beautiful concert and day.  it was the best day of my entire life!  everything was absolutely perfect.  

today my dad left to go to FL for his new job and it is valentines day but im exhausted and will have to post about all that later!  Sorry this post was so long!  i just had to get all of that out and then sigh my sighs of contention.  theres nothing more i could have asked for.  i love life.

 I envy Adrienne's ability to self-motivate and switch things up.  the most excitin part about my week:

monday:  went home with ky and it was nice =] nstnstnst-ing ensued.  and...idk.  i looked at him and he didnt have a shirt on and he has a bit of a stomach but he was just so BEAUTIFUL! i felt so lucky to have him.  i love him   =]
tuesday: dont remember...? oh! god starbucks with my mom
wednesday: got out of school at 11:15 yesterday to see my new physical therepist (mike!  i love him.  his pants were too tight and i sort of saw the outline ofhis junk but i LOVE him!)
thursday: went home early because of terrible cramps.  im loaded up on heat wraps and tylonol, i had a good cry while watching forrest gump, and now i'm deciding if i hsould shower.

my dads been gone since tuesday.  its a nice test to see if i'll enjoy him being gone all byt 3 days out of the month.  so far: im A -ing the test.  i love it.

theres a lot i could write about but i only have the energy to write out my schedule for next year (or what i hope it will be).  its still....a rough draft...i dont know if i can handle it, really. 

Orchestra
Piano
AP Psychology
AP Gov
AP Lit
Oceanography
Statistics


im so tired.  i want to sleep. forever.

I think I'm only updating because I feel that I should, not out of..want. 

Well, I can't say that things have been too terribly exciting lately, hence my lack of recent postings.  My sister left for Scotland; what else is there to say?  Life goes on.  Second quarter has come to an end and I am left with hopefully all As and Bs except for one C+ (Algebra.  Bleh.)  Ky got terrible grades.  But we're stronger than ever now, after we had "what are we going to do once college starts?" drama.
Yep.

 Happy 17th Birthday, Isabel! :D

I'm so happy we're friends and how we get closer and closer every year.  I enjoy our morning bus chats, and it's great that I can come to you with any problem and you'll help me, hopefully I do the same!  Anyway, I really hope you have a great 17th year and that it is less dramatic than this year =]]

I would type more but i've been on such a cleaning spree i am dead tired.  le sigh.

 I don't really over-think new years and the qualms that come with it.  i never really have, and i guess this is a good thing.  so, i guess it would be nice to start this off with my resolution (Be less whine-y and listen to other people more), but...whatever.  I expect little of myself.  this resolution will be forgotten as soon as a crisis strikes.

anyway, i seem to be ringing in this new year with some major procrastination.  i have a paper to half-write, homework still to do, and a shower to take.  i dont really know why i procrastinate, i mean...it's not like i have anything better to do.  i guess its just because i detest algebra, physics, and any work that i have to do outside of school in general.  i dont mind history, like english, and really like creative writing, but whenever even those three subjects give me homework its just like...eh.  no thank you.  i'd rather listen to dr. phil and oprah while half-sleeping.  

speaking of creative writing, we HAVE to submit a piece to Andromeda (school's poetry magazine) for a 40-pt grade this quarter.  i really dont want to.  that magazine has such a negative connotation and i usually read it while laughing at all the emotional kids and their emotions and their emotions' emotions.  EMOO.  i will now be one of those children.
on the bright side, i do like the teacher of that class, and she seems to have a major crush on me.  she says shes gonna be "hounding" me about publishing shit to...like...a lot of contests.  i dont know how i feel about this, again, although i'd feel more comfortable as long as it's semi-anonymous. 
the thing about my writing is that i kick ass at it (sorry for the...nonhumility), but when it comes to having an actual middle and end to go along with my said asskicking beginning, thats where it gets iffy.  i have no interesting plots that haven't already been done.
a nice talent to have would be writing song lyrics and chords.

anyway, in family news, my dad is annoying the shit out of me.  seriously.  its getting really bad.  it's just frusterating when its quite obvious i am his least favorite child and...am always patronized and...its just mind-boggling how he thinks he has the right to do that to me when at least i have more of a job than he does?  i go to school full time, bud.  he...job hunts.  or procrastinate said job-hunting.  all i know is that he never does by the time i get home from school and all i really want now a days is a nice quiet empty house.  no singing colleen, no bitching dad, no unpredictable mother. ahhhhhhhhhhh.  nice and quiet.
also what's frusterating is how noone can really relate.  in this...community, most everyone has dads who work 24/7 at some high-paying job and they never see each other and its nice and dandy BECAUSE they never see each other.  and noone really knows what goes along with all of this...resentment and frusteration?  seems like i'm the only one who has a dad so unstable and...annoying as shit.  honestly, i cant say i'll have a relationship at all with him once i leave the house. and the rest of my family makes it so that i feel guilty for being mad at him.  it's like i'm not allowed to be angry because he's "trying".  
caitlin...isabel...melanie...will...everyone's dad works.  so unfair.

on a brighter note, melanie is also pissing the shit out of me recently.
whoops!  thats not a brighter note at all.

ok ok.  ummmm.  lets end the post on a happy thought...hmm...well, ky and i are doing really well lately =]  despite the new year's tiff, we're doing quite well indeed.  

god, i need a license.  

 God, I had the best dreams last night.  I dreamt i met Claudio Sanchez!  AND Jon & Kate Plus 8!  (but claudio dream was better.  we spoke for 15 minutes and i was like ZOMG I LOVE YOU SO MUCH YOU CHANGED MY LIFE and he was like "tehehe cool"

idk why i felt the need to post that.

tonight i'm going ice skating with the girls.
today ky and i got in a tiff.  havent really spoken to him in awhile.  im...sick of dealing with him like a child.  and, this is going to sound very selfish but i cant think of another way to put this...but he just doesnt...idk.  he doesnt seem to care much anymore. doesnt seem to be putting in much effort.  he fell asleep at the movies the other night after being "so excited to see me" and after he "missed me so much."  im sorry, i know he gets tired but...come on.  i see a stupid movie and risk my life in his friend's car to have him fall asleep on me?  no thank you.  and when im upset he just doesnt listen...idk.  i dunno.  i love him very much. its not like we're gonna break up...

time consumer 
time consuming
consume me!
down and out now

 I think it's all of this Of Montreal I've been listening to lately.  I LOVE them!  I was very "meh they're good but im afraid to download more of their shit because what if the rest is bad?" about them, but then i downloaded The Sudatlantic Twins abum, and had David the Former Druggie give me some more of their stuff.  (btw, they're the original artist to that old commercial jingle for OUtback Steakhouse:  "let's go outback tonight...the world will still be there tomorrowww"

i want to be David's friend more.  as in, i actually want to see him in person.  sigh.  

anyway, back to winter.  ah, yes.  it's a tad sad how i've only recently gotten into the jingle-ing mood.  maybe it's because our tree isn't set up yet and we have no decorations up either?  i come from a procrastinating family, what can I say.  considering christmas is on...thursday, i wish i hadnt been so bah-humbug until now.  whatevs.  MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

"I wanna make you come two hundred times a day" tehehee.  oh, Of Montreal.  if you say so...

anyway, how's life, you may ask?  life is alright.  my grades have been...settled, and only one more day until break.  ky is good and my family is...annoying, but what can you expect.
i would like some snow for christmas, i think.  
also, a license.  ah, life.  why must you deprive me of motivation?

 So, interim grades are shit.  by shit, i mean complete and utter shit.  crash and burn.  I just got bitched out intensely by my parents because of my algebra and french grade.  they dont even know about my english grade....oh heavens.  i just dig myself deeper and deeper.  currently, my pan is to ace the english test on friday and then my grade will somehow, magically raise to a B, and then once they get the (completely) inaccurate interim sheet, i will say HAH.  HAH THAT IS WRONG.  

is it possible for a test to raise a grade 7 points?  better be.  im banking my life on it.

Orchestra- A
English - C
APUSH - B+
Creative Writing- A
Physics - B+
French- C
Algebra - D

current GPA:  2.8

i will bever be a math teacher.  i will never be a french major.  i will...damn.  i will most likely work in english somehow.  i mean, i will most definitely be something of a writer.  

god.  my list of stresses just gets bigger and bigger.

anyway, enough with the emoness.  what's good in my life? 
hm.
boyfriend ok
friends ok (except for one lesbian who won't stop stalking me.  hint:  not isabel)
family...relatively alright.  except my dad still hasnt found a job.  its been...2 and a half months since layoff.  which, honestly...makes me wonder what gives him the merit to bitch at me.  at least i have a job, bub.

babysitting gigs alright.  will have enough money this year to buy christmas gifts, obviously.  hint:  ladies, your gettin' undies.  im getting my mom a sweater, dad slippers, and ky a...backpack?  god.  why cant he just tell me what he wants, honestly?  baking his sister & mom cookies.  that might give me some brownie points.  (by brownie, i mean, hopefully this will make me appear more asian.  however, if i want to acheive that, i might as well by them some mah-jong tiles.)

TO-DO LIST
raise all of my grades to honor-roll-worthy ones by end of quarter.  preferably, all C+s and higher by before winter break.
cash check
buy everyone's christmas gifts
clean room
get life together